For those with loved ones suffering from mean diseases that rob them of their memory and, ultimately, their personality, you may wonder how it can be fun! Well…it isn’t fun. My mother began “that daily dimming” as I called it at age 70 and died at 84. Throughout that long journey, there is no denying that there were some excruciating moments, some bittersweet moments and, yes, some outrageously funny moments. Here’s one that I call, “Dinner and a dinner and a dinner and a…meatloaf?”
Going out for a big family dinner can be difficult even if all the planets align and everyone is happy and healthy. Going out for dinner with two elderly and debilitated parents can be impossible. If someone held a gun to my head and asked, “Root canal without anesthetic or dinner with your mom and dad,” I would opt for the dentist’s chair in a nanosecond! But, because my parents enjoyed dinner out, in a restaurant, with all their loving kids and grandkids around them, we chose dinner.
My father had a major hemorrhagic stroke which left him paralyzed on the right side and unable to speak. My mother had senile dementia. Dad was totally intact, mentally, and mom was totally intact physically. My children commented that if we took Grandpa’s brain and put it in Grandma’s body, they could have one whole grandparent!
So, every Tuesday night, my brother and I would schlep to the nursing home, pick them both up and schlep to a restaurant for dinner together. We did that because well, my parents enjoyed it, as I said. And, visiting with them in a restaurant was far better than doing the same in a nursing home. For a couple of hours, everyone could forget about their circumstances and be a family again.
When we arrived at the restaurant, we were seated (well, dad was always seated in a wheelchair) and were served our menus.
Mom: “It is so good of you kids to take us out to dinner!” (Opens menu) George, what do you want to eat?”
It was at this point that I reminded her that he couldn’t speak (hadn’t for 5 years) and that she needed to use yes/no questions. He smiled at me gratefully and rolled his eyes at my mother. She said, “Oh, that’s right. I forgot he couldn’t talk.”
Me: “Dad, do you want fried chicken?” (He shook his head). Meatloaf? (He nodded). He wants meatloaf, Mom.”
Mom smiled and resumed looking at the menu for a few minutes.
Mom: “Meatloaf oh, that comes with a salad. George, what kind of salad dressing do you want?”
She expectantly waited for his reply.
In the space of 12 seconds, she had forgotten ONCE AGAIN that he couldn’t speak. She had also forgotten, after 55 years of marriage, that he ALWAYS orders Bleu cheese dressing.
The comedy routine continued through the drink, the dessert and coffee afterwards. Next Tuesday, we repeated the whole episode again.
What can you do? Laugh. Was it sad? Yes. Dealing with aging parents is one of the most stressful things a person can endure. But, endure it you should, you must, you can. Seeing the humor in the moment, rather than the tragedy, will make you ditch the stress for a few minutes and enjoy the family time together. Is it easy? NO. But you can do it if you believe it is worthwhile.
